My name is Kevin Wold, I’m 25 years old, and I’m married to the most amazing woman in the world. (Renee: Whose name means REBORN by the way. So when you go through this, you’ll see why that’s so significant in my life, that my WIFE’S name is REBORN.)
(This is me doing something very vulnerable, and very bold. At the end of this post, there is a video of an original song. ((Quick link to song —> CLICK HERE ))
To understand the heart and appreciate the song, you must read through the post. Thank you for your time. I hope that this encourages you, and empowers you to rise above all the lies that have been spoken, and all of the voices that have been silenced.)
When I was 9 years old I attended an elementary school in a small town called Westlake in Louisiana. My fourth grade year started out terribly as I was picked on, teased, and bullied from day one until I moved to a different school in Lake Charles. It didn’t stop there though, it continued.
I talked to no one about it, and still not many people know.
Here’s what happened:
My voice.
They teased me because of my voice.
That’s when I first lost my voice.
I was more feminine, or flamboyant than the average guy – mainly because I hung out with my sister and her friends the most because she was my best friend, I didn’t want other friends. So that’s when it began.
I was called names, asked questions, and constantly mocked because I said things a little more “girly” in their opinion, and it didn’t help that I was so attracted to anything that involved art (or performing arts). I loved music, I loved drama, and I liked dance and what not – although I didn’t start dancing until I was 17. (But that’s another story for another day).
So anyways, my voice was robbed from me since I was 9 years old.
Every day after that, every year, every school, every job, and just about every public place I would go I would constantly have thoughts in my head. “Don’t talk like this”, “Don’t walk like that”, “Don’t say those words”, and “They think I’m gay”.
It went as far as being afraid to go to the bathroom with the guys because they would crack jokes about my not really having male parts, and wearing a cup instead so I could go in and look at them.
I was only 9 years old.
Everything in me told me NO. What they are saying is not true. It hurt too much for it to be true. Why would the truth hurt? Why would I want to believe anything about myself that hurt me even when I didn’t fully understand what they meant by the words they called me.
I heard it all.
Gay, Queer, Fag, Homo, and the list goes on.
When I would meet new people, they would even say things like this “When I first met you I thought you were gay”, or “Hey, do you like boys or girls”, and so forth.
But I hid it.
What I think on, I will then believe, then it will become who I am.
It was also to hard for me to understand that I was soon to become the following:
RENAMED
They renamed me. They gave me a name that was not ME. They titled me with a painful phrase, and questioned my very being and who God created me to be. I was given the title of “gay”, or “Fag”, I was told I didn’t have male parts and that I was just hiding.
These were all things that a 9 year old should never have to be concerned about, yet there I was questioning my very existence, and my very being. WHAT AM I?? WHO AM I?? and WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This couldn’t be true of me because IT HURTS.
These things can’t be true because it Hurts to hear.
No one had to teach me that it hurt.
I wasn’t aware that it could be a “bad” thing.
I wasn’t aware that it may have been “wrong”.
No one had to tell me, because I could FEEL it was wrong. I Understood it went against my very nature. I wasn’t afraid of it and it didn’t hurt because I was taught to be hurt by it, it just simply, hurt.
They call me these things, but it hurts.
Tamed
I was becoming Tamed.
There was no way to deny this title, this label.
I couldn’t say it wasn’t true because all of the evidence was there.
I didn’t walk, talk, or “act” like any of the other guys.
I laughed differently, I only had girl-friends, and I was interested in “unusual” things at times.
There was no way I could claim to be something no one else believed I was. There was no way I could actually NOT be what they told me I am.
What was I supposed to do? When someone told me I was nice I believed them, so what’s the difference? Why should I NOT believe them about this specific word or phrase?
I didn’t understand how to tell the difference between insult, and compliment. I had no comprehension of “Life and Death”.
Why should I be able to choose what is true and what isn’t?
If someone tells me I’m handsome, I want to believe them, and if someone tells me I’m not, I don’t want to believe them.
What is the difference??
If it hurts. That’s the difference.
Claimed
Next thing you know, there I was. Claimed.
Implying ownership; proven yourself to redeem that which you claim; dominion, ruling, ownership over that which is being “claimed”
People OWNED ME.
I allowed everything they renamed me with, tamed me as, to actually become me.
I became their word and not HIS!
People dictated who I was, what I did, and all of my decisions.
They owned me, they ruled me.
Little did I know that was me choosing to let them.
I never talked to anyone about this. No one knew this was happening. I was heavily involved in church, a few different sports, and I hid. I didn’t want to disappoint my family, I didn’t want them to know this was happening to me at a place where I should be at least somewhat safe.
By the 7th grade, I was involved in ministry at my church and I was pursing my own walk with Jesus. Not one forced on me, but my choice.
I remember the moment I actually questioned myself.
I remember being involved with people I shouldn’t have been, and involved in things no child should be exposed to.
I QUESTIONED myself.
I thought, “maybe they are right…what if I am, gay?…”
(sidenote: IT HURT EVERYTIME I CONSIDERED IT BEING THE TRUTH)
After months and months of wondering, questioning, and eventually believing, I remember the moments my physical attractions began to shift. ((I REMEMBER THE TRANSITION IN MY MIND))
I slowly became the very thing everyone told me I was. I believed it.
I was renamed, I was tamed, and I was now claimed to a title and label that would soon become one of the greatest battles of my lifetime.
Jr. High, I left hollow, lonely, and secretly battling an identity crisis that someday would rule my world.
I ended up finally standing face to face with this very deep pain.
What Jesus did for me was give me grace to crucify flesh.
I didn’t leave a lifestyle with a suffering definition of
identity solely because I was unhappy with it. I didn’t leave it because someone argued theology with me. The reason I left it was because my eyes were opened to God and I had an
experience with Him. It changed everything. It didn’t
automatically change my humanity, but when The Lord came into my life He awakened me to His reality. He began to bring
cleansing to my defilement and healing to my brokenness.
I want to teach the world about that freedom.
I wasn’t sick. I didn’t need a “cure”. I didn’t get “fixed”.
I’m not living a lie. I’m not hiding in a closet.
Not what changed me, but WHO changed me.
WHO is CHANGING me daily.
The same God that brings freedom to the alcoholics, drug addicts, oppressed and depressed. The same God who CREATED me from nothing.
HE has changed me.
The beautiful thing is that, I was “Born that way”.
I was born into a world where entering some kind of sinful nature is inevitable, until I was BORN again into a new way, THE WAY. His way.
I’ve been TRANSFORMED by the RENEWAL of my mind. Just like those lies transformed my thoughts and lifestyle, I’m now allowing The Truth of the Gospel to RENEW them and TRANSFORM them to purity and security in WHO I am not defined by people, but by My God.
If it hurts, it’s not YOU. If you let others lay that title on you until you had a breaking point and have chosen to wear it, then you should know, THAT HURT WAS NOT PERMANENT. This isn’t even just about homosexuality or SSA, it’s about choosing to RISE ABOVE the painful words and sticks and stones tossed at you daily.
IT’S TIME TO STAND ABOVE THAT. GET UP AND WALK.
If it hurts, don’t wear it. If it hurts, don’t become it. If it hurts, He died for it.
When people call you those names, whatever it is, and it hurts, IT DOESN’T BELONG IN YOUR HEART, OR ON YOUR MIND, NOR SHOULD IT DETERMINE OR BE A DECIDING FACTOR IN HOW YOU LIVE.
It’s taken me from the ages of 9 to 25 to stop being a VICTIM to the bullying that began so many years ago. This is me taking back what was taken from me all those years ago…